Thursday, January 29, 2009

You must read this email I got....

Thanks to all.......
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel orhave them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about thebacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what thelast person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving becausethe number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose(although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can onlyimagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop inthe glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (PennyBrown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receivethe $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me forparticipating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels lookingout for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like awater buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if Iforward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it canremove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch thecar so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make theseproducts are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in themicrowave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring mefor life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could bepricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with aperfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support ourAmerican troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial anumber for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now havetheir recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brownAfrican spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped inthe parking lot because a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg probably placed it there.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid the brown recluse'll bite me and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because itactually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor'sex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Oh, by the way...A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now,it's too late.